WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS PERSONAL AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE/EVENTS FROM MY LIFE- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT THEN FUCK OFF (EXPECT THINGS LIKE THAT) [+18 - OVER]
So I broke up with my boyfriend and I couldn't be more relieved. I am just not ready to be in a relationship at the moment. So here I am trying to reverse the state of the internet and writing a blog five years too late but who cares, if you want to know what I'm think then I guess you'll read what I write right?
Well... I liked my boyfriend but I did something unconscionable- I cheated on him.. The thing that makes it different this time is that I wasn't in an open relationship. I was with him and he was with me... I guess it started from there, but before we we're kind of on the outs because he wasn't happy with the amount we communicated but here is the thing; I am not mature enough to be in a long distance relationship.
It sucks because I told my sister when I was back in SK that I didn't cheat on him when she EXPLICITLY asked me if I had sex the night I went out... It's like she's magic, did that bitch smell it on me or what? Idk but the point is I am guilty and I know I shouldn't of done it but I did and there is no excuse.
But let me try;
I've been with this guy for so long, we've had a sexual relationship for a long time (the one I cheated with), I've known him for longer and through his many relationships and our combined trials and tribulations we've managed to keep coming back together (like 7+ years). I don't know what to say and this isn't a justification it's only an explanation.
I went to him because I needed to be with someone, to feel the body of another person pressed against mine. As dirty as it was I needed to do it.
Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps. I hadn't seen him (My now ex-boyfriend) in so long I just wanted... that feeling... Crucify me.
Oh shit, I don't give a fuck what you think....
I told my boyfriend (when I got back) and we talked it through but we were deteriorating already. He heard what I had to say but he is just so closed and quiet I wished he would emote more and share his feeling with me. No matter what because I deserved to hear his truth but he never divulged it to me... Thinking back maybe I didn't deserve it.
And then I go back to the beginning... January...
The Program we we're both in.... In the beginning he wasn't out of the closet and I was NOT looking for anyone to be in a relationship with.
Then things changed about a month in, I told him that I had feelings for him and it was a magical night afterwards. Things changed quickly and I had such strong feelings for him but only knowing for someone for 13 weeks and falling that had has to have adverse effects.
Combined with the dramatic reality TV show that was our lives with 24 other people our age it was a constant struggle to keep my sanity let alone study and go to class. Things got good for awhile and then things got bad, it was a roller coaster, as all things are. I can honestly say that it was quite the experience but after it left me reeling. My boyfriend was about to be out of my life and then where would I be?
Living in the city in which I knew less then a handful of people and trying to find a job and work as an intern? I went back to my home (SK) for a few days (April 1-3) and realized that it was not where I wanted to be. I came back and after a month he came in for a concert (a metal concert) which was awesome, we fucked like animals for three days and had a splendid time. We made it official because I kept asking him about "us" which was probably my mistake but as I said before I was in the absolute dark on his end because he was so quiet :(
I was so happy but then I realized what it meant to be in a relationship, I was 'stuck' or so I felt. And fuck me if every swinging dick in the city suddenly took interest in me... Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
This bothered me to no end and again, think what you like, but it wasn't the part that made me stray because if it was I would have cheated then. It was all the work I was doing, and then he said I wasn't talking to him and ignoring him when all I was trying to do was get myself established! I know what he meant but I had to do my thing :/ As shitty as it sounded my life needed to be #1! That was when I went back home from Winnipeg for a second time, and I fucking cheated on him. What an asshole move on my part, yeah I know.
So it brings us to the present, I've already told you the end result of my actions, single.
I want to say that I am truly sorry I even involved him in my life, no one deserves to be abused the way I abused his trust and love.
But what can I do? I cannot help who I am. Right now I am looking for a job- either here or near my parents just so I can go visit. I want to make some coin so bad I am willing to work 10 hours away EVEN MORE.
That is all for now...
-Me.
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