MyExposedLife: FOUR

I can't do anything. I don't know how. I just want to figure out how everyone else does it. Maybe I could extract the secret from someone? Like. Wtf?! How do you live? I mean. Yeah. 

Make money

Pay bills

Just live. But. How? The fuck? Do you DO it?! Oh my god it's so hard. I don't think I will ever get the handle of this... I don't know why I even try. I wanted life to begin and now I'm here trying how to start the engine. I'm trying to assemble some sort of life but I am so ill equipped I can't even think straight. It's always been like this. How do people go around like ants on their hills just pushing through and not caring or thinking about everything else? Ffffffff. I just need to do whatever I want and hope that life will fall into place. Get my own reality in check and go from their. Maybe next thing I know some sort of normality will form around my shitty existence and I'll be able to call that life. God. What does it take? How do you overcome crippling social anxiety and awkwardness? It's all an act you know? Yeah. I'm all persona. My true self is a set of created 'isms' that make up the person you interact with and perceive as me. I'm okay with that I really don't care. I've survived my whole life like this why change now? Or more accurately revert to my inner self? 

I remember in high school how hard it was to sleep and now at 2:09 am I'm stuck with my brain on 1000mph in panic mode worrying about. Well everything. This isn't a cry for help. More like an admission of confusion. How can one be so intelligent and bright yet so ignorant and I'll informed? I should have paid more attention to the world rather then my own fantasies then this never would have happened. 

Creator of all things and divine power- help me navigate successfully through my existence and achieve my goals with the clarity of a much more grounded and saner individual. Help me make the right decisions and grow into someone less manic and neurotic. Change the things within that fault me and watch over me when I fail and pick me up when I am down. 

Much respect. 

Oliver. 

MORE... So I wrote that last night and it's still true- today however I am just sitting here and reflecting on my life at the moment. I may not have a job or a place to call my own but I'm pretty happy where I am at- eventually I am hoping it gets easier and more manageable. I went to look for a job today- I hope I get something within the week, that would be awesome. As for everything else? In time a certain farmiliar sense of normality and pattern will arise I think and I will be able to cope better. Having the courage to just do things is all I really need to learn and to adjust to my situation at hand. I'm just like every one else I've got problems and if I just own up to them and face them head on I should be able to deal with them like everyone else. 

I think I am going to work on my writing now that I have some free time. I am also catching up on some books I've neglected to read. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to email me or leave one below. I am everywhere on the internet you just have to look for me:) odmk.