MyExposedLife: FOUR

I can't do anything. I don't know how. I just want to figure out how everyone else does it. Maybe I could extract the secret from someone? Like. Wtf?! How do you live? I mean. Yeah. 

Make money

Pay bills

Just live. But. How? The fuck? Do you DO it?! Oh my god it's so hard. I don't think I will ever get the handle of this... I don't know why I even try. I wanted life to begin and now I'm here trying how to start the engine. I'm trying to assemble some sort of life but I am so ill equipped I can't even think straight. It's always been like this. How do people go around like ants on their hills just pushing through and not caring or thinking about everything else? Ffffffff. I just need to do whatever I want and hope that life will fall into place. Get my own reality in check and go from their. Maybe next thing I know some sort of normality will form around my shitty existence and I'll be able to call that life. God. What does it take? How do you overcome crippling social anxiety and awkwardness? It's all an act you know? Yeah. I'm all persona. My true self is a set of created 'isms' that make up the person you interact with and perceive as me. I'm okay with that I really don't care. I've survived my whole life like this why change now? Or more accurately revert to my inner self? 

I remember in high school how hard it was to sleep and now at 2:09 am I'm stuck with my brain on 1000mph in panic mode worrying about. Well everything. This isn't a cry for help. More like an admission of confusion. How can one be so intelligent and bright yet so ignorant and I'll informed? I should have paid more attention to the world rather then my own fantasies then this never would have happened. 

Creator of all things and divine power- help me navigate successfully through my existence and achieve my goals with the clarity of a much more grounded and saner individual. Help me make the right decisions and grow into someone less manic and neurotic. Change the things within that fault me and watch over me when I fail and pick me up when I am down. 

Much respect. 

Oliver. 

MORE... So I wrote that last night and it's still true- today however I am just sitting here and reflecting on my life at the moment. I may not have a job or a place to call my own but I'm pretty happy where I am at- eventually I am hoping it gets easier and more manageable. I went to look for a job today- I hope I get something within the week, that would be awesome. As for everything else? In time a certain farmiliar sense of normality and pattern will arise I think and I will be able to cope better. Having the courage to just do things is all I really need to learn and to adjust to my situation at hand. I'm just like every one else I've got problems and if I just own up to them and face them head on I should be able to deal with them like everyone else. 

I think I am going to work on my writing now that I have some free time. I am also catching up on some books I've neglected to read. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to email me or leave one below. I am everywhere on the internet you just have to look for me:) odmk. 

MyExposedLife: ONE

193 Days from Now I'll Be 25...

So this is the problem I am having... I had always pictured my life as being lived, having my own apartment and boyfriend and career, let be back up to January 8th 2014 (125 days) and let me introduce myself.

Well I don't want to use my real name in case you are a stranger. But if you have come here because I told you too then you know who I am, so call me 'K' okay? No, call me 'O.K' :) Okay?

Second, I am 24 years old and I turned that age in November of last year [2013]. I typically forget I am a year older for about 6 months and then spend the next trying to remember to say how old I actually am then by the time I've gotten the hang of it I fuck it up by having another goddamn birthday.

Here is another thing about me- I am a male, a, while still technically morbidly obese gay, very energetic male and a lot of people can attest to that. In addition to being fat I am also very funny, the kind of outrageous, outlandish, fall on your ass, gut wrenching, dark, morbid and sometimes self-deprecating, but always hilarious funny. Not the Ha-Ha funny. Introspective and almost insensitive but you-have-to-laugh kind of funny. That was two things.

So to my story, it was a Wednesday and I was about to move to a far away city (9ish hours away) to go on a kind of school-ish type camp thingy in the dead of what I can tell you was a LONG -40ish typical winter. I was moving somewhere south but it still manages to get that cold so by now if you don't know me and want to figure out where I am, there are not a lot of options. Let me also interject that I grew up in a small community, under 15 thousand in the nearest community, 6k close-by and under where I am originally from. I've pretty much outlined my life without giving you major details. So the story can begin; I am planning on going to school with absolutely no idea what to expect to become from this whole situation but I know that I've got to keep an open mind.

I wasn't doing anything. Really. I was keeping a child, a small wonderful, adorable, kind, lovable, funny and intelligent little boy who shall also remain nameless. That was my job, I took care of him and got paid to do so. I love that boy and he makes my world light up. But he is not in this story, only in it's footnotes. He was the reason I got up in the morning and went to bed at night but he was/is not mine. Before taking care of this child day in and day out.

Late in 2013 my sister had come across an article on Facebook looking for people who were interested in New Media training- since I was 16 I've been making 'web-content creator' but had neglected to do anything substantial in while. I was always planning on doing something with it but I just didn't feel like it was the right time. Writing here and there and making the odd video my heart wasn't in it. Then this program came along so I decided to inquire about it and after reading what it was offering I was so excited.

It was quite the ride to say the least. There was EVERYTHING a collage experience has to offer, the good and the bad. While I don't want to expel those times just yet let me say it showed me a lot of the world. A lot about who I am and it came built in with friendships. There were people there that changed me and in turn who I changed. In such a small amount of time who knew I would have a family for life out of those 27 strangers?

And as for me? Well I also got a boyfriend out of it. We're trying the long distance thing. He lives about ten hours away and we talk on social networking sites. I'm trying to interact with him but it's hard to find time in the day and I know one thing. It's only going to get harder. Which I respect, no one man can build an empire, or legacy on 8 hours of work a day.

As for work? I have two jobs- I am a writer for a newspaper that has been in print for 20 years and issues about 20k per edition. I am also an editor at a production company. I do freelance film making and am currently working on starting my own production company... Now, when I started this piece I may have had you believing one thing was that I was not who I am supposed to be but...

Who are we supposed to be? What makes life go according to plan? Yeah I am broke but I am trying every day to get a little more and more out of life. I am trying to be fearless in the wake of fear and anticipation, before me lays ahead distances I am not sure I can swim but I know that I will try as I might to get to that distant shore and reach out for my dreams.

Yes, in 193 days I will be 25, and I do want to have all those things, and guess what? I am living and I will continue to live. Now I did not say that all these posts are going to be about my life of that they weren't going to be raw and explicit because I seem to have a knack for those types of blogs, so if you continue to read I am sure there will be... A LOT more stories and as I progress into that new 'age' I am sure I will have things to write about.

-O.K.