MyExposedLife: FOUR

I can't do anything. I don't know how. I just want to figure out how everyone else does it. Maybe I could extract the secret from someone? Like. Wtf?! How do you live? I mean. Yeah. 

Make money

Pay bills

Just live. But. How? The fuck? Do you DO it?! Oh my god it's so hard. I don't think I will ever get the handle of this... I don't know why I even try. I wanted life to begin and now I'm here trying how to start the engine. I'm trying to assemble some sort of life but I am so ill equipped I can't even think straight. It's always been like this. How do people go around like ants on their hills just pushing through and not caring or thinking about everything else? Ffffffff. I just need to do whatever I want and hope that life will fall into place. Get my own reality in check and go from their. Maybe next thing I know some sort of normality will form around my shitty existence and I'll be able to call that life. God. What does it take? How do you overcome crippling social anxiety and awkwardness? It's all an act you know? Yeah. I'm all persona. My true self is a set of created 'isms' that make up the person you interact with and perceive as me. I'm okay with that I really don't care. I've survived my whole life like this why change now? Or more accurately revert to my inner self? 

I remember in high school how hard it was to sleep and now at 2:09 am I'm stuck with my brain on 1000mph in panic mode worrying about. Well everything. This isn't a cry for help. More like an admission of confusion. How can one be so intelligent and bright yet so ignorant and I'll informed? I should have paid more attention to the world rather then my own fantasies then this never would have happened. 

Creator of all things and divine power- help me navigate successfully through my existence and achieve my goals with the clarity of a much more grounded and saner individual. Help me make the right decisions and grow into someone less manic and neurotic. Change the things within that fault me and watch over me when I fail and pick me up when I am down. 

Much respect. 

Oliver. 

MORE... So I wrote that last night and it's still true- today however I am just sitting here and reflecting on my life at the moment. I may not have a job or a place to call my own but I'm pretty happy where I am at- eventually I am hoping it gets easier and more manageable. I went to look for a job today- I hope I get something within the week, that would be awesome. As for everything else? In time a certain farmiliar sense of normality and pattern will arise I think and I will be able to cope better. Having the courage to just do things is all I really need to learn and to adjust to my situation at hand. I'm just like every one else I've got problems and if I just own up to them and face them head on I should be able to deal with them like everyone else. 

I think I am going to work on my writing now that I have some free time. I am also catching up on some books I've neglected to read. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to email me or leave one below. I am everywhere on the internet you just have to look for me:) odmk. 

MyExposedLife: THREE

I’m squandering my youth on waiting for the miraculous and awesome to happen to me rather than going out and attaining it for myself. I fear that which I crave the most. I want to have the limelight but fear the backlash and harshness of its glare. I want fame and fortune but am too afraid to let myself be vulnerable in its wake and hurt me. I spend my time conceiving of the possibilities yet spend none of it doing the work to create that reality. How can I make the transition from vision to actuality when anxiety has plagued all my fruitless attempts?

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what plan of action I want to take and am too frightened to just pick one at random and even then how would I go about it when I’ve set that plan in motion?

For the first time in almost 4 months I feel like I’ve done something and it took coming home to do it. I’ve planned my first short film out of the program that I took. It’s still going to take some time to get the money together to shoot it but I feel good that it’s all out of my head and on paper. I am happy that I am back into writing again and hope that I stay in this grove. I also hope that I am finally going to finish ‘God Complex’ but for now I am going to write Rez Dogs as a short film, finish Ingénue’s script, and my special project ‘Edge of Glory’ indigenous version not to mention a internet series I’ve been wanting to do for like three or four years.

I am not in any way moved back to Saskatchewan but I feel like I needed a sabbatical… I was not really doing anything other than interning and writing an occasional feature for a newspaper. I am also going to try possibly crowd-funding but I am a no one and I’ll need to be someone to do it so first I think I’ll try get into writing for money which I LOVE doing. My CV is up to date and I want to go back to Winnipeg at any second but there is no point if I am not going to be doing anything over there. I’ve tried applying for normal jobs but nothing seems to catch my eye. I want to make money but I don’t want to get stuck in a rut paying bills and living life.

There are so many opportunities out there yet I am at a loss to actually get any of them in front of me when the time is right. I was going to apply for film school but that fell to the wayside- I don’t have anyone wanting to see me do it so I feel like it will be a waste of time. Who knows? Maybe I’ll still get down to doing it. I want to be able to have that under my belt but at the same time I don’t want to waste my own talent being emotionally and mentally drained from learning the way Hollywood does films. To sacrifice my own creative abilities that make me want to pursue that cinema in the first place is ultimately my biggest fear.

Affirmation is all I think I need but I’m not getting it from where I want it from. The support of my family is what anyone one should be able to have but for me it’s not… My friends and peers all see something in me but when it’s not through the lens of my kin then how am I supposed to feel like its worth doing? I am extremely grateful that friends and peers do support me… Who knows right? Maybe one day I’ll turn around and see everyone cheering me on instead of telling me to compromise. The struggle is real.

The grandiose future that I set before myself to will into reality is something I plan on chasing with every part of me until I’ve drawn my final breath. I am not disillusioned to the realities of what I plan on accomplishing. To some it seems like a joke but perhaps it is my fallacy to be so fucking comical, I will persevere. Let my irreverent spirit and determination be my guiding light and damn all those who oppose such an awesome dream. It may be hard to perceive for some but dreamers are the ones with the courage to bring fantasy to fruition. I am a dreamer.

Finally for my blogs, if no one is going to read them then I am not going to continue. Same with everything else, people don’t watch or want to see me blog then I’m not going to… Why bother having 500 videos if no one is going to watch them and that’s how I felt. It seems that pretty much everyone wants to see me humiliate myself dressed as a transvestite and I have no problem with it but I have no budget to do it with. I could crowd fund for that but OMFG, why? LOL.

Perhaps when I do find my passion project I will do this thing for real and not let everything else in while I achieve completing it. As for everything else just wait and see what I do next. I’ll do it when I want to or if it suits me or if the time is right OR if enough people like it. The final word at the moment on anything is that I am working on writing, when I get equipment I’ll start doing film making and internet stuff but until that happens I am procrastinating in that department. If you want to see what I’m doing or see more of what I have already done then tell me and maybe it will motivate me to doing something new for you all. If you want to see more then ask… and if you don’t like what you’re seeing then look away mother fucker.

So that’s all that is on my mind at the moment, and look I’ve just passed 1000+ words and I didn’t even break a sweat! Maybe this writing stuff isn’t as hard as I make it sound. But thank you all who support me I really do appreciate it but if you let me know (writing wise) then I’ll write more J Have a great day and thanks again.

ODMK

MyExposedLife: TWO

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS PERSONAL AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE/EVENTS FROM MY LIFE- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT THEN FUCK OFF (EXPECT THINGS LIKE THAT) [+18 - OVER]

So I broke up with my boyfriend and I couldn't be more relieved. I am just not ready to be in a relationship at the moment. So here I am trying to reverse the state of the internet and writing a blog five years too late but who cares, if you want to know what I'm think then I guess you'll read what I write right?

Well... I liked my boyfriend but I did something unconscionable- I cheated on him.. The thing that makes it different this time is that I wasn't in an open relationship. I was with him and he was with me... I guess it started from there, but before we we're kind of on the outs because he wasn't happy with the amount we communicated but here is the thing; I am not mature enough to be in a long distance relationship.
It sucks because I told my sister when I was back in SK that I didn't cheat on him when she EXPLICITLY asked me if I had sex the night I went out... It's like she's magic, did that bitch smell it on me or what? Idk but the point is I am guilty and I know I shouldn't of done it but I did and there is no excuse.
But let me try;
I've been with this guy for so long, we've had a sexual relationship for a long time (the one I cheated with), I've known him for longer and through his many relationships and our combined trials and tribulations we've managed to keep coming back together (like 7+ years). I don't know what to say and this isn't a justification it's only an explanation.
I went to him because I needed to be with someone, to feel the body of another person pressed against mine. As dirty as it was I needed to do it.
Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps. I hadn't seen him (My now ex-boyfriend) in so long I just wanted... that feeling... Crucify me.

Oh shit, I don't give a fuck what you think....

I told my boyfriend (when I got back) and we talked it through but we were deteriorating already. He heard what I had to say but he is just so closed and quiet I wished he would emote more and share his feeling with me. No matter what because I deserved to hear his truth but he never divulged it to me... Thinking back maybe I didn't deserve it.
And then I go back to the beginning... January...
The Program we we're both in.... In the beginning he wasn't out of the closet and I was NOT looking for anyone to be in a relationship with.
Then things changed about a month in, I told him that I had feelings for him and it was a magical night afterwards. Things changed quickly and I had such strong feelings for him but only knowing for someone for 13 weeks and falling that had has to have adverse effects.
Combined with the dramatic reality TV show that was our lives with 24 other people our age it was a constant struggle to keep my sanity let alone study and go to class. Things got good for awhile and then things got bad, it was a roller coaster, as all things are. I can honestly say that it was quite the experience but after it left me reeling. My boyfriend was about to be out of my life and then where would I be?
Living in the city in which I knew less then a handful of people and trying to find a job and work as an intern? I went back to my home (SK) for a few days (April 1-3) and realized that it was not where I wanted to be. I came back and after a month he came in for a concert (a metal concert) which was awesome, we fucked like animals for three days and had a splendid time. We made it official because I kept asking him about "us" which was probably my mistake but as I said before I was in the absolute dark on his end because he was so quiet :(
I was so happy but then I realized what it meant to be in a relationship, I was 'stuck' or so I felt. And fuck me if every swinging dick in the city suddenly took interest in me... Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
This bothered me to no end and again, think what you like, but it wasn't the part that made me stray because if it was I would have cheated then. It was all the work I was doing, and then he said I wasn't talking to him and ignoring him when all I was trying to do was get myself established! I know what he meant but I had to do my thing :/ As shitty as it sounded my life needed to be #1! That was when I went back home from Winnipeg for a second time, and I fucking cheated on him. What an asshole move on my part, yeah I know.

So it brings us to the present, I've already told you the end result of my actions, single.
I want to say that I am truly sorry I even involved him in my life, no one deserves to be abused the way I abused his trust and love.
But what can I do? I cannot help who I am. Right now I am looking for a job- either here or near my parents just so I can go visit. I want to make some coin so bad I am willing to work 10 hours away EVEN MORE.

That is all for now...

-Me.

MyExposedLife: ONE

193 Days from Now I'll Be 25...

So this is the problem I am having... I had always pictured my life as being lived, having my own apartment and boyfriend and career, let be back up to January 8th 2014 (125 days) and let me introduce myself.

Well I don't want to use my real name in case you are a stranger. But if you have come here because I told you too then you know who I am, so call me 'K' okay? No, call me 'O.K' :) Okay?

Second, I am 24 years old and I turned that age in November of last year [2013]. I typically forget I am a year older for about 6 months and then spend the next trying to remember to say how old I actually am then by the time I've gotten the hang of it I fuck it up by having another goddamn birthday.

Here is another thing about me- I am a male, a, while still technically morbidly obese gay, very energetic male and a lot of people can attest to that. In addition to being fat I am also very funny, the kind of outrageous, outlandish, fall on your ass, gut wrenching, dark, morbid and sometimes self-deprecating, but always hilarious funny. Not the Ha-Ha funny. Introspective and almost insensitive but you-have-to-laugh kind of funny. That was two things.

So to my story, it was a Wednesday and I was about to move to a far away city (9ish hours away) to go on a kind of school-ish type camp thingy in the dead of what I can tell you was a LONG -40ish typical winter. I was moving somewhere south but it still manages to get that cold so by now if you don't know me and want to figure out where I am, there are not a lot of options. Let me also interject that I grew up in a small community, under 15 thousand in the nearest community, 6k close-by and under where I am originally from. I've pretty much outlined my life without giving you major details. So the story can begin; I am planning on going to school with absolutely no idea what to expect to become from this whole situation but I know that I've got to keep an open mind.

I wasn't doing anything. Really. I was keeping a child, a small wonderful, adorable, kind, lovable, funny and intelligent little boy who shall also remain nameless. That was my job, I took care of him and got paid to do so. I love that boy and he makes my world light up. But he is not in this story, only in it's footnotes. He was the reason I got up in the morning and went to bed at night but he was/is not mine. Before taking care of this child day in and day out.

Late in 2013 my sister had come across an article on Facebook looking for people who were interested in New Media training- since I was 16 I've been making 'web-content creator' but had neglected to do anything substantial in while. I was always planning on doing something with it but I just didn't feel like it was the right time. Writing here and there and making the odd video my heart wasn't in it. Then this program came along so I decided to inquire about it and after reading what it was offering I was so excited.

It was quite the ride to say the least. There was EVERYTHING a collage experience has to offer, the good and the bad. While I don't want to expel those times just yet let me say it showed me a lot of the world. A lot about who I am and it came built in with friendships. There were people there that changed me and in turn who I changed. In such a small amount of time who knew I would have a family for life out of those 27 strangers?

And as for me? Well I also got a boyfriend out of it. We're trying the long distance thing. He lives about ten hours away and we talk on social networking sites. I'm trying to interact with him but it's hard to find time in the day and I know one thing. It's only going to get harder. Which I respect, no one man can build an empire, or legacy on 8 hours of work a day.

As for work? I have two jobs- I am a writer for a newspaper that has been in print for 20 years and issues about 20k per edition. I am also an editor at a production company. I do freelance film making and am currently working on starting my own production company... Now, when I started this piece I may have had you believing one thing was that I was not who I am supposed to be but...

Who are we supposed to be? What makes life go according to plan? Yeah I am broke but I am trying every day to get a little more and more out of life. I am trying to be fearless in the wake of fear and anticipation, before me lays ahead distances I am not sure I can swim but I know that I will try as I might to get to that distant shore and reach out for my dreams.

Yes, in 193 days I will be 25, and I do want to have all those things, and guess what? I am living and I will continue to live. Now I did not say that all these posts are going to be about my life of that they weren't going to be raw and explicit because I seem to have a knack for those types of blogs, so if you continue to read I am sure there will be... A LOT more stories and as I progress into that new 'age' I am sure I will have things to write about.

-O.K.