MyExposedLife: TWO

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS PERSONAL AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE/EVENTS FROM MY LIFE- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT THEN FUCK OFF (EXPECT THINGS LIKE THAT) [+18 - OVER]

So I broke up with my boyfriend and I couldn't be more relieved. I am just not ready to be in a relationship at the moment. So here I am trying to reverse the state of the internet and writing a blog five years too late but who cares, if you want to know what I'm think then I guess you'll read what I write right?

Well... I liked my boyfriend but I did something unconscionable- I cheated on him.. The thing that makes it different this time is that I wasn't in an open relationship. I was with him and he was with me... I guess it started from there, but before we we're kind of on the outs because he wasn't happy with the amount we communicated but here is the thing; I am not mature enough to be in a long distance relationship.
It sucks because I told my sister when I was back in SK that I didn't cheat on him when she EXPLICITLY asked me if I had sex the night I went out... It's like she's magic, did that bitch smell it on me or what? Idk but the point is I am guilty and I know I shouldn't of done it but I did and there is no excuse.
But let me try;
I've been with this guy for so long, we've had a sexual relationship for a long time (the one I cheated with), I've known him for longer and through his many relationships and our combined trials and tribulations we've managed to keep coming back together (like 7+ years). I don't know what to say and this isn't a justification it's only an explanation.
I went to him because I needed to be with someone, to feel the body of another person pressed against mine. As dirty as it was I needed to do it.
Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps. I hadn't seen him (My now ex-boyfriend) in so long I just wanted... that feeling... Crucify me.

Oh shit, I don't give a fuck what you think....

I told my boyfriend (when I got back) and we talked it through but we were deteriorating already. He heard what I had to say but he is just so closed and quiet I wished he would emote more and share his feeling with me. No matter what because I deserved to hear his truth but he never divulged it to me... Thinking back maybe I didn't deserve it.
And then I go back to the beginning... January...
The Program we we're both in.... In the beginning he wasn't out of the closet and I was NOT looking for anyone to be in a relationship with.
Then things changed about a month in, I told him that I had feelings for him and it was a magical night afterwards. Things changed quickly and I had such strong feelings for him but only knowing for someone for 13 weeks and falling that had has to have adverse effects.
Combined with the dramatic reality TV show that was our lives with 24 other people our age it was a constant struggle to keep my sanity let alone study and go to class. Things got good for awhile and then things got bad, it was a roller coaster, as all things are. I can honestly say that it was quite the experience but after it left me reeling. My boyfriend was about to be out of my life and then where would I be?
Living in the city in which I knew less then a handful of people and trying to find a job and work as an intern? I went back to my home (SK) for a few days (April 1-3) and realized that it was not where I wanted to be. I came back and after a month he came in for a concert (a metal concert) which was awesome, we fucked like animals for three days and had a splendid time. We made it official because I kept asking him about "us" which was probably my mistake but as I said before I was in the absolute dark on his end because he was so quiet :(
I was so happy but then I realized what it meant to be in a relationship, I was 'stuck' or so I felt. And fuck me if every swinging dick in the city suddenly took interest in me... Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
This bothered me to no end and again, think what you like, but it wasn't the part that made me stray because if it was I would have cheated then. It was all the work I was doing, and then he said I wasn't talking to him and ignoring him when all I was trying to do was get myself established! I know what he meant but I had to do my thing :/ As shitty as it sounded my life needed to be #1! That was when I went back home from Winnipeg for a second time, and I fucking cheated on him. What an asshole move on my part, yeah I know.

So it brings us to the present, I've already told you the end result of my actions, single.
I want to say that I am truly sorry I even involved him in my life, no one deserves to be abused the way I abused his trust and love.
But what can I do? I cannot help who I am. Right now I am looking for a job- either here or near my parents just so I can go visit. I want to make some coin so bad I am willing to work 10 hours away EVEN MORE.

That is all for now...

-Me.

MyExposedLife: ONE

193 Days from Now I'll Be 25...

So this is the problem I am having... I had always pictured my life as being lived, having my own apartment and boyfriend and career, let be back up to January 8th 2014 (125 days) and let me introduce myself.

Well I don't want to use my real name in case you are a stranger. But if you have come here because I told you too then you know who I am, so call me 'K' okay? No, call me 'O.K' :) Okay?

Second, I am 24 years old and I turned that age in November of last year [2013]. I typically forget I am a year older for about 6 months and then spend the next trying to remember to say how old I actually am then by the time I've gotten the hang of it I fuck it up by having another goddamn birthday.

Here is another thing about me- I am a male, a, while still technically morbidly obese gay, very energetic male and a lot of people can attest to that. In addition to being fat I am also very funny, the kind of outrageous, outlandish, fall on your ass, gut wrenching, dark, morbid and sometimes self-deprecating, but always hilarious funny. Not the Ha-Ha funny. Introspective and almost insensitive but you-have-to-laugh kind of funny. That was two things.

So to my story, it was a Wednesday and I was about to move to a far away city (9ish hours away) to go on a kind of school-ish type camp thingy in the dead of what I can tell you was a LONG -40ish typical winter. I was moving somewhere south but it still manages to get that cold so by now if you don't know me and want to figure out where I am, there are not a lot of options. Let me also interject that I grew up in a small community, under 15 thousand in the nearest community, 6k close-by and under where I am originally from. I've pretty much outlined my life without giving you major details. So the story can begin; I am planning on going to school with absolutely no idea what to expect to become from this whole situation but I know that I've got to keep an open mind.

I wasn't doing anything. Really. I was keeping a child, a small wonderful, adorable, kind, lovable, funny and intelligent little boy who shall also remain nameless. That was my job, I took care of him and got paid to do so. I love that boy and he makes my world light up. But he is not in this story, only in it's footnotes. He was the reason I got up in the morning and went to bed at night but he was/is not mine. Before taking care of this child day in and day out.

Late in 2013 my sister had come across an article on Facebook looking for people who were interested in New Media training- since I was 16 I've been making 'web-content creator' but had neglected to do anything substantial in while. I was always planning on doing something with it but I just didn't feel like it was the right time. Writing here and there and making the odd video my heart wasn't in it. Then this program came along so I decided to inquire about it and after reading what it was offering I was so excited.

It was quite the ride to say the least. There was EVERYTHING a collage experience has to offer, the good and the bad. While I don't want to expel those times just yet let me say it showed me a lot of the world. A lot about who I am and it came built in with friendships. There were people there that changed me and in turn who I changed. In such a small amount of time who knew I would have a family for life out of those 27 strangers?

And as for me? Well I also got a boyfriend out of it. We're trying the long distance thing. He lives about ten hours away and we talk on social networking sites. I'm trying to interact with him but it's hard to find time in the day and I know one thing. It's only going to get harder. Which I respect, no one man can build an empire, or legacy on 8 hours of work a day.

As for work? I have two jobs- I am a writer for a newspaper that has been in print for 20 years and issues about 20k per edition. I am also an editor at a production company. I do freelance film making and am currently working on starting my own production company... Now, when I started this piece I may have had you believing one thing was that I was not who I am supposed to be but...

Who are we supposed to be? What makes life go according to plan? Yeah I am broke but I am trying every day to get a little more and more out of life. I am trying to be fearless in the wake of fear and anticipation, before me lays ahead distances I am not sure I can swim but I know that I will try as I might to get to that distant shore and reach out for my dreams.

Yes, in 193 days I will be 25, and I do want to have all those things, and guess what? I am living and I will continue to live. Now I did not say that all these posts are going to be about my life of that they weren't going to be raw and explicit because I seem to have a knack for those types of blogs, so if you continue to read I am sure there will be... A LOT more stories and as I progress into that new 'age' I am sure I will have things to write about.

-O.K.