I’m
squandering my youth on waiting for the miraculous and awesome to happen to me
rather than going out and attaining it for myself. I fear that which I crave
the most. I want to have the limelight but fear the backlash and harshness of
its glare. I want fame and fortune but am too afraid to let myself be vulnerable
in its wake and hurt me. I spend my time conceiving of the possibilities yet
spend none of it doing the work to create that reality. How can I make the transition
from vision to actuality when anxiety has plagued all my fruitless attempts?
I don’t
know where to begin. I don’t know what plan of action I want to take and am too
frightened to just pick one at random and even then how would I go about it when
I’ve set that plan in motion?
For the
first time in almost 4 months I feel like I’ve done something and it took
coming home to do it. I’ve planned my first short film out of the program that
I took. It’s still going to take some time to get the money together to shoot
it but I feel good that it’s all out of my head and on paper. I am happy that I
am back into writing again and hope that I stay in this grove. I also hope that
I am finally going to finish ‘God Complex’ but for now I am going to write Rez
Dogs as a short film, finish Ingénue’s script, and my special project ‘Edge of
Glory’ indigenous version not to mention a internet series I’ve been wanting to
do for like three or four years.
I am not in
any way moved back to Saskatchewan but I feel like I needed a sabbatical… I was
not really doing anything other than interning and writing an occasional
feature for a newspaper. I am also going to try possibly crowd-funding but I am
a no one and I’ll need to be someone to do it so first I think I’ll try get
into writing for money which I LOVE doing. My CV is up to date and I want to go
back to Winnipeg at any second but there is no point if I am not going to be
doing anything over there. I’ve tried applying for normal jobs but nothing
seems to catch my eye. I want to make money but I don’t want to get stuck in a
rut paying bills and living life.
There are
so many opportunities out there yet I am at a loss to actually get any of them
in front of me when the time is right. I was going to apply for film school but
that fell to the wayside- I don’t have anyone wanting to see me do it so I feel
like it will be a waste of time. Who knows? Maybe I’ll still get down to doing
it. I want to be able to have that under my belt but at the same time I don’t
want to waste my own talent being emotionally and mentally drained from
learning the way Hollywood does films. To sacrifice my own creative abilities
that make me want to pursue that cinema in the first place is ultimately my
biggest fear.
Affirmation
is all I think I need but I’m not getting it from where I want it from. The
support of my family is what anyone one should be able to have but for me it’s
not… My friends and peers all see something in me but when it’s not through the
lens of my kin then how am I supposed to feel like its worth doing? I am
extremely grateful that friends and peers do support me… Who knows right? Maybe
one day I’ll turn around and see everyone cheering me on instead of telling me
to compromise. The struggle is real.
The grandiose
future that I set before myself to will into reality is something I plan on
chasing with every part of me until I’ve drawn my final breath. I am not
disillusioned to the realities of what I plan on accomplishing. To some it
seems like a joke but perhaps it is my fallacy to be so fucking comical, I will
persevere. Let my irreverent spirit and determination be my guiding light and
damn all those who oppose such an awesome dream. It may be hard to perceive for
some but dreamers are the ones with the courage to bring fantasy to fruition. I
am a dreamer.
Finally for
my blogs, if no one is going to read them then I am not going to continue. Same
with everything else, people don’t watch or want to see me blog then I’m not
going to… Why bother having 500 videos if no one is going to watch them and
that’s how I felt. It seems that pretty much everyone wants to see me humiliate
myself dressed as a transvestite and I have no problem with it but I have no
budget to do it with. I could crowd fund for that but OMFG, why? LOL.
Perhaps
when I do find my passion project I will do this thing for real and not let
everything else in while I achieve completing it. As for everything else just
wait and see what I do next. I’ll do it when I want to or if it suits me or if
the time is right OR if enough people like it. The final word at the moment on
anything is that I am working on writing, when I get equipment I’ll start doing
film making and internet stuff but until that happens I am procrastinating in
that department. If you want to see what I’m doing or see more of what I have
already done then tell me and maybe it will motivate me to doing something new
for you all. If you want to see more then ask… and if you don’t like what you’re
seeing then look away mother fucker.
So that’s
all that is on my mind at the moment, and look I’ve just passed 1000+ words and
I didn’t even break a sweat! Maybe this writing stuff isn’t as hard as I make
it sound. But thank you all who support me I really do appreciate it but if you
let me know (writing wise) then I’ll write more J Have a great day and thanks again.
ODMK
